The Daughter of Akba
By Maria Dawson
 |
| I picture this locket being the one Benni from our story must break. Picture from: Open Change |
This story takes place in a sea, the forbidden sea
Most people would never set foot around this body of water
However, this is a tale of one brave devotee
Whom had his heart on some poor souls’ daughter
Legend has told to steal her heart
You must first possess a locket
No no, not just any locket, this one is state of the art
Here is the trick, it belongs to Akbas pocket
Long ago a spell was cast
In order to wed his offspring
One must first break this latch
While in her prime the maiden waiting
She was wanted by many
Only one man could have her hand
A journey stands before our lead character Benni
His trustees by his side and by him they stand
As many know but few will ever see
This sea is surrounded by woodland
To get through one must follow the lighted tree
Coming from the land of sand
This task will be beastly
Many triumphs stand in the way
But for Benni, the strong and mighty,
Her hand in marriage will pave the day
Little does he know the final task will be weary
For King Akba of the Aqua, ruler of this sea
Has many missions for his royalty
The final being the greatest you will see
Oh, whatever may this task be?
Our Prince Benni must shatter
This locket heart in two smitheree
For this task shall win the hand in this matter
Our first obstacle is coming near
How will our dear Leader fulfill?
This crossing in the woods Aw, by spear
And also, by skill
Once through he meets the King
To his surprise the trinket it is waiting
The brave Prince breaks this delicate piece in one simple
swing
He runs to his princess and pulls out a ring
Authors Note:
I started out with wanting to rewrite this originally about how a suiter must break a bow in order to marry the king's daughter. While I was thinking about what I wanted to write about exactly I figured why not try something new and do a rhyming scheme. I noticed right off the bat this was going to be difficult and have a rhyming website open to help me! But I had so much fun writing this weels story and I hope you have fun reading it too!
Hello Maria! Awesome job with the rhyming! I definitely could not do that. I didn't realize the rhyming until later but when I did I thought it was pretty cool! This was also a pretty nice story to read in itself it definitely had valentines love feels with the damsel and the brave man on a quest to get his princess. so it fit the timing perfectly. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHello, Maria!
ReplyDeleteAs Akba's daughter, I like how you have written this story about me and what all Benni had to go through in order to finally rescue me! I also am very fond of the way that you have told my story. Your rhyming lines and poem-like stanzas make this very easy to read and to follow along with! This spell that was cast, was it my father who did so? One question that I have about myself is if I am a princess or just a regular girl? Also, where is this place that I live in forbidden sea? One detail that you may include at some point is why it is this locket that must be broken in order for a man to have my hand in marriage. I think that writing about a locket that was in my father’s pocket (haha, I rhymed!) was a very cleaver idea!
Maria,
ReplyDeleteThat is awesome that you decided to take on a new challenge and write this story in poetic form. I think the story was well written, rhymed and it flowed well. I could have never been able to do that. I enjoyed reading your take on the story of Rama having to break the bow to be able to marry Sita. Instead of following the same original details you really made the story your own, instead of using a bow you used a locket. I liked the last line "He runs to his princess and pulls out a ring" it portrays how the prince was triumphant and his eagerness to marry the princess. I don't have experience with writing poetry so I don't have any suggestions, my only thing would be maybe for your next poem you could try using more imagery. Have you thought of continuing this story further the future?
Hi Maria! This is an amazing idea and I love the vocabulary! I never even considered writing a poem and you managed to tell the entire story with a new twist, it came out beautifully. Also, I loved the use of smithereens because when else will you ever be able to? The story never felt redundant or that you were just trying to fill in words to make the rhyming happen. Overall, I just think that this is a unique take and I know nothing about poetry to recommend more. The story though came through clearly and vividly. If you wanted to the only thing I kind of noticed is the lack of emotions from the characters being portrayed so you could possibly add more in there for more depth but I also don’t think that it’s a necessity. Another thought is maybe adding in more about each main character for descriptions? Since it’s a poem though again I don’t know that it’s necessary. -Jillienne Kirkpatrick
ReplyDelete